Someone messaged me and asked if they could see a photo of me from the side. Long story short, it was because of a thread on Facebook where I was chatting about inflammation. I had Brady snap this photo really quick.
Then he handed the phone back to me and I had to do a double take.
Is that really me?
See, the flip side of losing a lot of weight is having to relearn your body. Most days I don’t feel like I’m 130 pounds, I feel more like 190. This. Is. Body. Dysmorphia.
My mind keeps telling me I’d look great if I lost 50 more pounds but I know that’s crazy, listen, I KNOW.
Often I battle it with kind words, affirmation, reassuring myself that I’m healthy, I’m strong, and I literally have nothing left to lose…
I don’t always feel this way, it’s a feeling that comes and goes. Just like I didn’t always feel terrible when I was overweight.
After my personal experiences I can honestly say I now understand both sides of the coin. I grew up with a sister that was 5’9 looked like a goddess in a size 2, 120 pounds soaking wet.
She used to say things like”GOSH I’M SO FAT! I’M LIKE A WHALE! MY BELLY IS HUGE!” And I would think, “Dear God in Heaven, if she is fat, then what am I?” 😳
Here’s the thing, when I felt bloated, stuffed, and icky when I was 260 pounds, it’s the same feeling I get when I’m bloated, stuffed, and feeling icky at 135 pounds.
The difference is at 260 I knew I was large, at 135… there’s a fear of going back. So now, because it’s the same feeling, when I look in the mirror I don’t just see a little bloat. I see 260 pounds.
Please be kind, cause I’m getting really real with y’all here.
There is a skinny struggle. There’s a piece of me that can’t get thin enough, there’s a piece of me that was in dangerous territory of taking it from healthy to disordered eating. Because I have fat goggles. Because its difficult to see anything then what I’ve known for the past 15 years of my life.
I’ve combatted this throughout my entire journey. It’s why I chose to stop losing weight when I hit the high end of normal for my height instead of low. Because I am more than a number on the scale or a side view profile.
Honestly I don’t 100% know what I’m trying to get at here. But I do want to say that I get it, whether you’re 300 pounds or 130 pounds, I get it. This little space that I have here on the internet can be summed up in those words. “I get it, I’m with you, I’m sorry, I know that it sucks and it’s hard and it’s really not fair. I see you, I’ve been there, more than you know.” Whether you’re struggling with your weight, your body image, self-love, or acceptance, I am on your side.
Lastly, I am in the thick of it with you because for as far as I’ve come I still have so much left to do and I’m so grateful to have you here with me.
Originally published on Instagram, click here to see the original post.
To read more about my journey, click here.